Issue #3

4 ways to reconnect after a fight (even when you kind of don’t want to)

When the dust settles after an argument, the real question isn’t who won, it’s “Are we still OK?”

That’s the quiet truth of conflict in intimate relationships. You think you want resolution after an argument, but what you’re really craving is reassurance.

Raw emotions, lingering hurt and worry that reaching out means “giving in” can make emotional closeness feel unobtainable. Reaching for your partner can feel impossible, like struggling to get your head above water.

Underneath all that struggle is something soft and human: I miss you. I miss us. But I don’t know how to reach for you right now.

Here we go again: The spicy relationship dance (no, not the fun kind).

Relationships naturally move through cycles of connection, disconnection, and (eventually) repair. This isn't a sign something's wrong, it's simply how relationships work.

The path from argument to resolution is rarely clear. In fact, most of the time, there's no neat and tidy solution. (According to relationship researcher John Gottman, about 69% of our conflicts don't actually get resolved. 🤯)

What matters more than finding the perfect resolution is finding your way back to each other, little by little. It's about carrying your differences (in perspectives, in priorities, in preferences) with grace and patience.

Here are four gentle invitations you can extend to your partner to help you feel your way back toward connection, one small step at a time.

4 ways to invite connection after conflict

1. Start with something small (Seriously, tiny)

Once you feel yourself cooling off, challenge yourself to make a small gesture towards connection. Try reaching out to your partner with a comment that signals I’m still here

"Want to go for a walk?"
"Our show is on tonight."
A gentle comment about the dog doing something silly

These are what Gottman calls "verbal white flags." They are the small bids that signal you're ready to start rebuilding connection without demanding an immediate full return to normalcy.

2. Lighten it up with a touch of playfulness

The most powerful reconnection can often come through unexpected lightness.

It could be:

Sending a funny meme they’d usually appreciate.
Pulling out one of your famous (or infamous) dance moves in the kitchen.

When you're too serious about reconnection, you can create more pressure. A moment of shared laughter can be the shortest distance between two people. It's like saying, "See? We're still us underneath all of this."

3. Put stubbornness aside and wave the white flag

Reaching out doesn't mean you're giving in or conceding that you were wrong. It means you're being part of the change you want to see in your relationship.

Rather than thinking, "I'm giving them what they want," try, “I’m giving us what we both need.”

If you're always the one initiating connection, this can feel tiring. You’re allowed the feel the weight of that. I also encourage you to give yourself permission to feel proud of the strength it takes to go first, again and again.

When the dust settles, consider a tender ask for balance. You might gently say to your partner “It would mean a ton to me if you could be the first to reach out sometimes.” And when they do respond to your bid, even in a small way? Let yourself notice that. Initiating matters. But so does reciprocation.

4. Take a step back before jumping in

A common mistake couples make is jumping right into a debrief of the argument immediately after it’s over.

Rehashing all of the details rarely lands well. Reconnection and reassurance build the cushion so that later, the debrief has a gentle place to land.

When you do debrief, get curious about what worked.

Try asking:

What are you proud of in how you handled this conflict?
What are you proud of in how your partner handled this conflict?
What went better than it would have in the past?
What was different than how conflict played out in your family growing up?

Conflict is inevitable in a relationship. A powerful indicator of relationship health is how quickly you can move through the cycle of disconnection back to connection.

Notice and celebrate when you're shortening the time spent in "the valley" between conflict and repair.

The most loving move after a fight is to signal, I’m still here, and we’re okay. That’s more than enough to build a bridge back to each other.

Xo,

Dr. Alexandra