Loving Bravely Issue #4

Why do we always end up fighting on family vacation?

Summer is here! You tell yourself: This is when we can slow down for a bit. This is when we reconnect with each other and disconnect from gestures around… all of this.

The sun is shining, the out-of-office auto-reply is on, and you’re on day three of a family vacation, feeling like a supporting character in your partner’s life. Your partner is laughing with their siblings over coffee while you’re trying to remember why this trip ever felt like a good idea.

They’ve slipped into their old role — the golden child, the fixer, the host. You’re nodding politely through stories you’ve heard a dozen times, fading quietly into the wood-panelled lake house walls.

Your fuse is short after multiple days of this, and there’s a strange loneliness under it all. It’s disorienting. You expect ease and fun, but feel more tension and pain.

The myth of the family “vacation”

When you think of a vacation, you tend to think of an escape from the daily grind. Add family to the mix, and suddenly your vacation is more of a short-term relocation.

You’re still managing logistics and navigating relationships, just in a different zip code with higher emotional expectations and less familiar routines. As a result, you start to lose sight of each other.

And when you’re traveling to or with one partner’s family, old roles take center stage — the daughter, the son, the sibling, the peacekeeper. Suddenly, the role of “intimate partner” fades into the background.

When I work with couples preparing for family trips, I always tell them: the goal isn’t perfection. It’s staying on the same team, even when the context changes everything.

The couples who navigate family trips with minimal emotional damage protect their relationship by planning for how they’ll stay close in the chaos.

Three conversations to have before you go

#1. Divide and conquer

When everything is shared, nothing is clear. Decide who’s carrying what — emotionally and logistically.

Who’s handling meals? Who’s reserving the group activities? Who’s fielding questions from your mother about when you’re having kids?

Clear roles ease the tension of the “too many cooks” dynamic and protect each other’s energy accordingly.

#2. Plan your “together” time

A morning walk before everyone else wakes up. Fifteen minutes on the porch after dinner. Plan your time together now before the chaos begins. Spontaneity is few and far between, so use these moments for some pre-meditated couple time.

Staying connected and engaged in small daily ways is a powerful prevention strategy, reducing the chances that you’ll make a joke at the other’s expense and increasing the chances that you will notice if one of you is slipping away. This also models for any kids or family members that your relationship is a priority here too.

Bonus tip: make a conscious plan for these mini dates. Is this small talk or a time to rant and rave about the family dynamics? If you are going to have a deeper conversation, are you offering empathy or coaching?

#3. Set your connection points

Name how you’ll stay emotionally tethered even when one of you fades into the background.

You might need to rely on quick check-ins and micro-repairs instead of your usual relationship maintenance.

Here’s a helpful frame: in every extended family gathering, one of you is playing a home game and the other is on the away team.

The home team knows the dynamics. They’re fielding requests, falling into familiar roles, and often disappearing into the fold.
The away team is adjusting. They’re balancing supportiveness with emotional invisibility — sometimes fading out to keep the peace.

If you’re the home team, stay attuned to your partner who may be taking a backseat for you.
"Thanks for being here. How are you doing with all this?"
"Want to sneak out for a break together?"

If you’re the away team, validate your partner and ask for what you need.
"I know you’re in a lot of roles here. I'm happy to step back and let you focus on your family. Just check in with me occasionally or give my hand a squeeze. It feels good and important for me to know that you see me.”

Expect the mess, then structure around it

Summer family travel can be equal parts fun and messy. Old dynamics don’t vanish just because you’re older. Stress doesn’t disappear just because you’re in a new location.

One honest conversation before you go can help you create the space to stay connected to each other, not as guests or helpers, but as partners.

With a little preparation and a lot of grace, you can hold onto each other, even when everything around you pulls your attention elsewhere.

xo,

Dr. Alexandra