One of my no-so-finest moments of my marriage happened when our kids were little. We were sitting on the couch watching Caillou, and Caillou's dad was (per usual) being his impossibly handy self.
I turned to Todd and said, "I wish you were more like Caillou's daddy. He's always doing all the things all the time."
He glared at me and immediately fired back: "You should be more like Caillou's mommy. She makes a cake like every single day."
My comparison evoked defensiveness, irritation, and absolutely zero chance that Todd would hear what I actually needed. We both laugh about now, but my ridiculous thoughtlessness points us toward a relationship dynamic that warrants our collective reflection.
Comparison is a symptom of a vulnerability problem
The urge to compare your partner to someone else—a neighbor, a friend, someone online, Caillou’s father— usually stems from a place of real pain and disconnection from your partner.
I have so much empathy for that pain. And, at the same time, comparison is ineffective and drives you further apart during a moment when you already feel something is missing. Your partner will either get critical of the person you're comparing them to, get critical of you, or shut down. No matter how it goes, what is guaranteed is that your original need will definitely not be addressed. And likely not be even heard or understood.
When you're in comparison mode, you're keeping yourself out of the equation too—your longings, your fear of asking for what you need and risking rejection or humiliation. You end up outsourcing your pain to someone else's highlight reel instead of saying the tender, scary thing that actually needs to be said.
How to ask for what you need
That flash of why can't you be more like... is pointing directly at something you need. If you catch it before it leaves your mouth, you have an opportunity to understand your longing. If you miss that step and take it straight to your partner, you lose the chance to really get underneath what's happening.
Gaining a richer understanding of your relational needs unlocks a new way of providing feedback to your partner. Here is what that might sound like:
Instead of saying "the neighbor always helps his wife with the kids, you never help me," try: "When you take initiative with the kids without me asking, I feel so supported and seen. I really need more of that."
Instead of "Sarah's husband brings her flowers, you haven't done that in years," try: "I love feeling remembered and thought of during the day. Small gestures like flowers or a text mean so much to me."
Instead of "Your sister speaks so positively about her partner at family gatherings. Are you even proud of me?” try: "It would mean so much to me if you’d brag about me sometimes to our friends and family. Part of me feels embarrassed that I need or want that, but another part of me knows that your admiration means so much to me.”
You’re much more likely to get what you’re asking for from this place of vulnerability. This language reveals your longing without shaming your partner and invites connection instead of knee-jerk defensiveness.
In practice: From comparison to vulnerability
Notice when comparison shows up
When do you find yourself most likely to make a comparison—when you're frustrated, exhausted, feeling unheard?
In what contexts/settings do you find yourself most likely to make comparisons–when you are socializing, with family, on social media, watching shows?
What are you measuring?
Ask yourself what's really happening
What am I not receiving that I want and need?
What do I feel scared/embarrassed/ashamed to ask for? What might I be judging myself for wanting?
What's the tender, scary thing I need to say instead?
Try one vulnerable request
Replace one comparison with direct, heartfelt communication. "When you do [this specific action] for me, I feel so loved and cared for" or "If you would take the time to do [this specific thing] for me, I would feel so loved and cared for."
Feedback is essential to the health of your relationship, but it requires skill to give and receive. You are tasked with approaching your partner from an anchored place—I have nothing to prove, I trust myself to take this risk and I trust my partner to listen to my concern. Your partner is tasked with validating your need, even if it’s different from theirs and even if part of them feels bad that you needed to ask.
When you can express what you need from a place of vulnerability rather than comparison, you're inviting growth in your relationship from a place of grace and collaboration
xo,
Dr. Alexandra
