I’ve heard these words so many times in my therapy office: “It’s not what you said; it’s how you said it.”
We know that when it comes to communication, the words we say are just the tip of the iceberg. Our words are paired with our facial expressions, our body language, and our tone. Passive-aggressive behavior is a mismatch between what is above the surface of the water (the words) and all that is beneath the surface (nonverbals and tone).
Passive-aggressive behavior is so common. Most of us are a little guilty of it, at least occasionally. Sometimes it’s an eye roll. Sometimes it’s the pause that goes on too long before responding. Sometimes it’s words that suggest we are OK while everything else indicates that there is a problem. You know these examples:
It's fine.
Must be nice.
I guess I can't do anything right.
Underneath almost every passive-aggressive comment is a legitimate and vulnerable emotion trying to find its way out that you haven’t learned how to articulate directly.
When you wrap your needs in sarcasm or deflection, your partner can't hear what you actually need.
It becomes a cycle: you feel chronically unheard. Your partner feels constantly criticized but can't adequately respond to that which was never said out loud.
Passive-aggressiveness is more subtle than yelling and screaming, but comment by comment it chips away at the connection until the distance between the two of you has grown wider than either of you meant it to.
Naming the pattern out loud, even just to yourself, can help you interrupt that cycle.
Sometimes we can only catch ourselves in the rearview mirror. The next time you say something that is passive-aggressive, pause. What were you feeling right before you made the comment? What did you actually need? What were you afraid would happen if you spoke directly to your concern or need? There’s important data hiding beneath your passive-aggressive behavior.
Bonus points if you apologize for what you said and ask for a re-do!
With practice, you can start to get curious about the feeling underneath the comment before it leaves your mouth — What am I feeling? What do I actually need? What am I actually afraid of? And take the risk to say that instead.
Office Hours
From the Reimagining Love vault to recent conversations I’ve been having about relationships.
Reimagining Love: My 9 Favorite Resentment-Busting Strategies
In this solo episode, Dr. Alexandra normalizes resentment as one of the most common — and most stuck — emotional states in relationships, then offers nine practical strategies to help us move through it with self-compassion and renewed care for the people we love.
8 Of The Most Passive-Aggressive Phrases You Are Probably Using With Your Significant Other [HuffPost]
Dr. Alexandra and other relationship experts break down the most common passive-aggressive phrases couples use — like "it's fine" and "I guess I can't do anything right" — explaining how these indirect comments quietly erode intimacy and offer more direct, connection-building alternatives.
Is a celebrity ‘sex pass’ ever a good idea? [CNN Entertainment]
Dr. Alexandra weighs in on the new comedy Gail Daughtry and the Celebrity Sex Pass to explore whether couples' "hall pass" fantasies are harmless fun or emotionally risky. She makes the case that when there's a strong foundation of security in a relationship, playing with the edges of fantasy can actually be a source of connection and eroticism… and shares about the time she met Todd’s celebrity hall pass in real life!
A Few Things, Lately
- Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage (Belle Burden): So many people in my world (including clients!) recommended this book to me, and I read it on a recent vacation. Burden did a wonderful job detailing her journey of grief and recovery and invites us into important reflections about power, gender, and money in marriage.
- The Drama (movie): Zendaya and Robert Pattinson did a great job in this tangly and thoughtful romantic comedy/drama. I was entertained from start to finish!
- I Will Find You (Netflix mini-series): This thriller series was fast-paced, totally engaging, and great to watch with Todd and our daughter.
Xo,
Dr. Alexandra
