Infidelity is one of those topics that makes almost everyone feel a little afraid. We don’t like to think about it – and we especially don’t like to think it could happen to us.
Most of us believe, genuinely, that we would never. And yet.
In my years of working with couples navigating the aftermath of an affair, what strikes me most is how rarely it comes out of nowhere. There is almost always a story – a slow drift, a disengagement, a conversation that never happened, which is why I find prevention far more interesting than we give it credit for.
I want to make something really clear. Are there conversations and practices that can help couples be proactive and preventative? Yes. Does the absence of these conversations and practices mean it’s your fault if you are cheated on? No.
The single most overlooked place to start is also the most uncomfortable: actually talking about sexual monogamy. Not assuming it, not defaulting to it because it’s expected, but choosing it – out loud, together – and then talking honestly about what that choice requires from each of you. What do you need to feel good about the commitment? What does your relationship need to thrive within it? Making the implicit explicit is not unromantic. It’s one of the most intimate things a couple can do. People don’t accidentally cheat because they were unclear about monogamy, but explicit conversation about sexual boundaries (and the whys behind them) can help partners feel a sense of responsibility and intentionality about their choices.
Beyond that conversation, what helps protect against affairs in a relationship is remarkably unglamorous: staying engaged, being curious about each other’s worlds, turning toward each other with the hard stuff and the good stuff. Tend to the relationship the way you’d tend to anything that matters, not just when something feels wrong, but especially when everything feels fine. Complacency is its own risk.
And perhaps the most humbling tip of all: don’t assume you’re immune. I have sat with so many people who would have bet money that they would never cheat. Relationships are complex, living things. They require care always, not just in a crisis.
Office Hours
From the Reimagining Love vault to recent conversations I’ve been having about relationships.
Reimagining Love: "Can We Rebuild After Infidelity?
In this solo episode, Dr. Alexandra guides listeners through the painful aftermath of infidelity — weighing the research, the cultural context, and the key questions both partners need to sit with when deciding whether to stay or go.
Reimagining Love: “Why Can’t I Get Over It?
In this episode, Dr. Alexandra unpacks why healing from betrayal, infidelity, or relational harm can feel so impossibly slow — breaking down the forgiveness process and offering seven reasons why we get stuck in rumination long after we wish we’d moved on.
Can I Trust You Again? Rebuilding After Betrayal or Deceit (a self-guided course)
When infidelity is discovered or disclosed, it is a relationship crisis. The crisis of infidelity, like all crises, is a turning point. If you are at that turning point, this course is for you.
A Few Things, Lately (add here as you come across books, movies, podcasts, shows)
- Dutton Ranch: The Yellowstone franchise has delivered us more great storylines. Do you also love Rip and Beth’s love?
- War: I am immersed! This show has it all: betrayal, money, messy boundaries, and divorce lawyers.
- Mary Beth Barone: Galaxy Brain: She will make you laugh AND make you think. A fantastic and dangerous combo.
xo,
Dr. Alexandra
