Your marriage can be an oasis when one or both of you are depleted.
A couple of years ago I was on a radio show, and a man called in to talk about his wife’s new role caring for her aging mother. She was driving her to appointments, managing her medications, absorbing phone calls at all hours… and he was struggling.
"I feel like a jerk when I want my wife’s attention because I know she’s stretched thin," he told me.
"And I feel like a doormat when I act like I'm fine when I'm not."
As I spoke with him, I helped him reframe the situation and ask himself: “How can I show up for this relationship right now so that time with me feels to her like an oasis rather than another obligation?” Rather than getting stuck in this either/or between being a jerk or a doormat, he got in touch with his desire to be the place where she could get support, vent, and be reminded she still deserves pleasure, rest, and laughter. And he recognized that if he could be her oasis, then he could feel good about supporting her while also feeling connected to her. A real win-win!
The Ebbs and Flows of Pouring Into Your Relationship
In any long relationship, there will be seasons when the two of you aren't investing equally into your partnership. One of you is stretched thin—by a health crisis, a demanding season at work, caregiving for a parent, grief, burnout—and the other one has a bit more to give.
The overall vision here is to invest when you have capacity to invest and then lean on the strength of that investment to carry you through the season when you can't pour in the way you usually do.
Lowering Your Expectation of Your Partner as an Act of Mercy
The best we can do in a hard season is not the same as the best we can do when we are at full capacity. For those of us who place high demands on ourselves, who want to be everything to everybody all of the time, this is a very uncomfortable truth.
When your partner is stretched thin, they might begin to tell themselves a story that they shouldn't be struggling to do everything they normally do, crisis or no crisis. That story breeds shame. And that shame tends to show up disguised as defensiveness, or as blaming you for even needing anything from them right now. A cycle that will only drive you further apart.
The more honest, more generous story for your partner to tell themselves during their season of struggle is that their 25% is their current 100%. I want your partner to know, trust, and believe that to be true in order to stave off that shame cycle.
Obviously you are not in charge of the stories inside your partner’s head, but here’s what I know to be true: Lowering your expectations of your partner right now isn't doormat behavior. It's an act of mercy—for both of you.
Be the Oasis, Not the To-Do List
It’s so easy, especially under stress, to start viewing our relationship dynamics in transactional terms—what have they done for me, what have I done for them. Scorekeeping is a symptom, indicating that you are not getting what you need. But you already know you aren’t getting what you need. You also know that the scales of give-and-take cannot be balanced right now, given the stressor your partner is dealing with.
Don’t exhaust yourself fighting for balance. Instead, shift your focus back to yourself. Who do you want to be in this relationship given this current reality? What qualities do you want to embody? What do you need to be doing, day to day, so you feel proud of how you showed up for this difficult season? Being that version of yourself will likely invite your partner toward you, so you can co-create that oasis.
Fill Your Cup While You Wait
I know how lonely it can feel to be the partner with more capacity. I also know that the very act of waiting for your partner to be available, without any sense of how long you're going to be waiting, is a recipe for resentment.
You're allowed to advocate for some amount of care from your partner, even while you accept that what they can give right now is genuinely limited.
But don’t forget to make space for your own sources of recharge so you're not running on empty while you hold things down. Who can show up for you as you show up for your partner? What activities help you feel alive? Can you engage in those without guilt? Can you remind yourself that recharging your battery helps you be the support you want to be for your partner? Resentment is exhausting to carry, and it’s a real barrier to closeness. So caring for yourself protects the relationship for the wear-and-tear of this difficult season.
Your Practice In Creating an Oasis When Your Partner is Depleted
- Find your oasis ritual: Ask your partner: What's something you’ve always loved doing with me? Saturday morning snuggles, a walk or a show you used to watch together. Think of the small, low-effort things you enjoy together.
- Invite your partner in: Pick one idea from above and bring it back into your routine.
- Savor oasis time: Focus on quality, not quantity. Let yourself be as present as you can be during this together time so that it fills your cup as well.
Eventually seasons will change and your roles will shift.
You might find yourself as the less available partner at some point down the road in this relationship. The way you show up for your partner now hopefully becomes the template your partner uses to show up for you later.
While you're in it, the goal is to protect the relationship as a place you both still get to come home to no matter your current capacity.
xo,
Dr. Alexandra
