Few questions land quite as personally or create such unique tension in relationships as this one: What do I owe my parents?
It's a question I find myself returning to again and again in my clinical work and in my personal life navigating the sandwich generation because there isn’t a clean answer.
The responses that people give to this question tend to land in one of two places.
- The traditional stance leans on the responsibility to honor your parents. It is founded in obligation and role-bound duty, full stop.
- The more modern stance swings the other direction, centering the individual and turning care into a matter of personal choice and boundaries.
Both of these perspectives are understandable.
And they can be used to guide behavior. If I am on Team Duty, I do what needs to be done with little to no regard for my emotions or the history of these relationships. If I am on Team Choice, I give to the extent that I was given to; I care in proportion to how I was cared for.
As a card-carrying member of the sandwich generation, I will tell you that my heart and mind have moved back and forth between these stances many times, but what I am realizing is that neither perspective quite gets us to the heart of it.
When asking the question, “what do I owe my parents?” I have come to recognize that the best and bravest place from which to answer that question is from a place of Relational Self-Awareness because it turns us toward an entirely different, and more helpful set of questions. Who do I want to be in this relationship at this time? What would I choose if I believed I had nothing to prove and was owed nothing?
These questions ask a bit more of you because they require you to act from your own values rather than a script of guilt or obligation. You are making a conscious choice to offer the level of care you can stand behind, even if your parents never fully understand.
Caring for aging parents asks you to hold a difficult paradox: you can care deeply about your parents and still be limited by how much your nervous system can actually hold (without becoming impatient, resentful, and/or numb). Honoring that limit reflects integrity, not selfishness.
Let this be your reminder that carrying this caregiving tension is exhausting and you need a safe place to put it down. This is where your intimate partnership becomes so vital. Your partner might not be able to fix your family dynamics, but they can be your witness. Many of our after-dinner walks focus on Todd offering me support as I talk through the worries and stressors of caring for my aging parents. I am grateful that he is a soft place to land when the guilt creeps in and he reminds me that I am doing enough.
There are no perfect answers here, but there is a more grounded place to stand when facing the question.
Office Hours
From the Reimagining Love vault to recent conversations I’ve been having about relationships.
Reimagining Love: What Role Did You Play In Your Family of Origin?
In this episode, Dr. Alexandra offers a summary of the Family of Origin Roles by exploring the six common roles we're cast into as children — and how those roles quietly follow us into our adult relationships.
What do we owe our parents? [NPR - It’s Been A Minute]
In this NPR It's Been a Minute episode, I join Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax to explore the emotionally complex question of what adult children truly owe their aging parents — especially when the relationship has been difficult, fraught, or abusive.
A Few Things, Lately
A peek at what I’m noticing, learning about, and delighting in.
- Dr. Shefali & her latest books: I discovered Dr. Shefali years ago when she published her first book, The Conscious Parent. She has rewired how I think about parenting — and myself. We have since become friends, and I admire her ferocity, generosity, and humor. Reading her work feels like therapy in the best way. She is about to publish two new books: Raising Conscious Sons and Raising Conscious Daughters. Both are fantastic. I endorsed them. Pre-order them today.
- Widow's Bay: My daughter and I just finished this one, and it was fantastic! Who knew horror comedy was a genre?!
- Jordan Jensen: Take Me With You: Jordan’s Netflix comedy special is dark, smart, and edgy af! It takes a special talent to create at the intersection of trauma and humor.
Xo,
Dr. Alexandra
