Are you holding out for perfect when good enough might work just as well?
In a long-term relationship, you and your partner face seemingly endless forks in the road. The stakes are high. The consequences matter… and will be felt by you both. And, even in the strongest of relationships, the chances of being on exactly the same page are slim to none.
Should we move for the job? Should we have another kid? Should we send them to private school? Where do we spend the holidays?
By the time these questions land on the table, it's usually pretty clear which path each of you is leaning toward. One of you becomes the champion of Path A and the other leans increasingly toward Path B.
What started as a genuine desire to process through the decision together becomes a frustrating power struggle or stalemate.
The trap of waiting for perfect
I see couples getting stuck in one of two places: Too afraid of hurting their partner that they cannot advocate for their own interests or too afraid of getting steamrolled that they cannot consider the benefits of their partner’s preferences. Both of these types of couples (the other-focused couples and the self-focused couples) are at risk of getting stuck. They make pro-con lists, talk in circles, and exhaust themselves because they are trying to do the impossible: find the pain-free path forward. The choice that won’t cost them anything. The problem is that every decision requires saying yes to something and no to something else. The unspoken tension here is that deciding means one of you has to let go of a future you had already started picturing. Grief is baked into decision-making.
And sitting with grief is uncomfortable, so we get stuck arguing facts. We debate school ratings, salaries, square footage when the real question sitting underneath is: what is each of us afraid to lose, and how can we protect ourselves from the impact of that loss?
Decisions made as a couple don't have to be perfect, permanent, or grief-free to be good decisions. They just have to be made together with shared reflection about what you're gaining and what you're losing, and a willingness to keep checking in as you go.
How you each decide matters
When I am helping couples make big relationship decisions, I talk with them about how they have historically made personal decisions. Looking together at each partner’s decision-making style is helpful because it shifts us (at least for a little while) from outcome (which has become tense and polarized) to process (which gives partners a chance to learn more about each other, reducing tension and building connection).
Take a quick self-inventory.
How do you tend to approach decisions? We tend to fall into three groups:
- Team Head: You need to think it through with logic.
- Team Heart: You feel your way into clarity
- Team Body: You sense it and know it by listening to your gut.
What's your timing? Here we tend to fall into two groups (and I think of them like the classic Aesop’s fable):
- Team Tortoise: You have to mull things over for a while before you’re ready to act.
- Team Hare: You prefer to jump off the cliff and build the plane on the way down.
Once you've done some self-reflection, talk together to see where you naturally overlap and where you'll need to bridge differences. The bad news is that there will probably be some difference! The good news is that there are no right and wrong ways to make decisions, and you probably differ by degree, not as polar opposites. Naming your pattern and seeing your partner’s has the power to change the conversation and helps you leverage the risks and benefits of both of your tendencies.
A practice for taking the next good enough step:
Name what you're each protecting yourselves against. Say out loud the hurdle or outcome you're each worried about. You both have your eye on a real risk, so what part of your partner’s concern can you validate? Bonus points if you can talk to your partner about how their worry is actually something they are tracking for the sake of the relationship. For example, when it’s time to make a big purchase, I tend to be the accelerator and Todd tends to be the brake. When we get stuck, I find it helpful to be reminded that Todd’s concern about spending comes not from his desire to rain on my parade but from his sense of protectiveness about our family’s safety net.
Pick the next good-enough step, not the whole plan. What's the one thing you can decide or do this week? You don't need to see the whole path yet, but when you feel stuck, one small step toward clarity is a victory. Those little wins can help you feel aligned and more hopeful.
Be a gracious winner and a gracious loser. If your preference didn't win this round, say thank you instead of I'm sorry. Receive your partner's accommodation as a gift. If you're the one accommodating, do it from a place of choice, not sacrifice; build a story together about why this is good for you too. Or at least feel proud of yourself for doing something for the sake of the relationship. Generosity is essential in a relationship! Gratitude and graciousness protect your relationship from future resentment and prevent you from slipping into a story that one of you is the villain and the other the victim.
Share what you're grieving. Even the “right choice” means saying goodbye to something. Acknowledging that together, instead of carrying it alone, keeps you connected through the loss.
Check in as you go. Most likely, this decision isn't forever. And you can’t possibly know in advance exactly how either path will play out. Commit yourselves to adjusting and course-correcting together as you go.
It’s easy to judge the quality of a decision by the outcome, but it’s how you get there that really matters. The best decisions are the ones where connection and care were centered throughout the process, where you and your partner noticed when the process was becoming adversarial and took steps to get back on the same team.
That's ultimately the measure of a good-enough decision.
xo,
Dr. Alexandra
