Loving Bravely #7

The Power of the Post Game: We had the fight. Now what?

You and your partner recently had a blow up. Voices rose, feelings got hurt, and then came a familiar rhythm: a cool down, an apology, forgiveness, and that moment you exhale and think, “Thank goodness that’s over.”

Connection is repaired and life moves on. The fight becomes another thing of the past.

If I could, this would be the moment I’d swoop in and pause the frame. One of the most overlooked parts of a healthy relationship happens right here.

I call it the post-game. This is where relationship gold lives. Not in the fight itself, not even in the apology, but in the intentional conversation or reflection that happens after the air has been cleared when you can ask, “What can we learn from this?”

Think about it like this: athletes don't just play the game and walk away. They watch the tape. They notice what worked, what fell apart, and what they want to repeat for next time. Your relationship deserves the same care.

So how do you actually start a post-game without turning it into another argument? That’s where a little structure helps. Think of these four steps as your playbook — simple, doable moves you can come back to again and again.

Four Steps of The Post-Game Debrief

Step #1: Wait for the Right Moment

The post-game conversation happens after you've apologized, after you've reconnected, after you've both settled back into feeling safe with each other.

There's definitely a sweet spot between letting something settle and letting it calcify into one of those topics you are at risk of avoiding forever. You'll know you're ready for your post-game debrief when you can call up a memory of the incident while still holding both yourself and your partner in warm regard — when you're not looking to turn one of you into the victim and the other into the villain.

Try extending this invitation to your partner:: "Do you feel ready to do a little post-game with me?"

If your partner says no, validate their hesitation: "I'm a little nervous too about what might happen if we bring it up again. What if we just try one question and see how it goes?"

Step #2: Focus on Learning, Not Rehashing

Couples tend to avoid revisiting challenging experiences to keep the peace, or they get stuck rehashing what went wrong once they start. The purpose of the post-game is to mine the experience for insights about yourselves, about each other, and about what you want to keep working on as a couple.

This is about building new muscles for your relationship, especially if you are trying to shift a long history of burying conflicts and never looking back. Even three and a half minutes of gentle reflection can be huge progress.

Remember: In order for the post-game to work, both partners need to be committed to learning rather than blame.

Step #3: Play With a Few Questions

If your partner has agreed to a post-game, go through one or two of these questions together. Resist the urge to debate or defend and ask clarifying questions if necessary.

Even solo reflection creates insight and momentum. The point is to notice patterns, celebrate progress, and set intentions for how you want to show up next time.

1. What am I proud of about how I handled this?

Example: "I feel good about staying focused on your hurt feelings instead of getting defensive and explaining myself."

2. What am I proud of about how you handled this?

Example: “I appreciate that you expressed what you were feeling, even when it was hard for me to hear, instead of shutting down and walking away.”

3. What do I want to remember for next time?

Example: "I want to remember to take a breath before responding when I feel criticized."

4. How did this go differently than it would have six months ago?

Example: "Six months ago, we would have avoided talking about this for weeks. This time we came back to each other the next day."

Start with one or two questions and build from there. There's no gold star for completing them all.

Step #4: Normalize The Post-Game Debrief as a Part of Your Conflict and Repair Process

When you give the post-game a name and make it a regular part of how you handle conflict, you're signaling that reflection and growth matter in your relationship.

When you take a few minutes to reflect — even on your own — you’re teaching yourself how to handle conflict with more clarity and less fear. You’re building self-trust and shaping the kind of partner you want to be.

That’s the real win of the post-game: every reflection makes you a little braver, a little wiser, and a lot more ready for whatever comes next.

xo,

Dr. Alexandra