For years, I felt threatened by the Chicago Bears.
Not the football team itself, but my husband Todd's passion for them and the way his eyes lit up as he talked to me about the season. It felt like a lot of something I couldn't compete with.
It felt almost like he had a shiny new relationship, and I was on the outside looking in.
Something shifted for me when I joined him for a preseason game. Being in the stadium with him, I could see it through his eyes. I could feel the lineage of it—his grandfather in those seats, his father in those seats, him in those seats. And I realized that this isn't about me at all.
Why your partner’s newest passion feels like a threat
When you pick up a new hobby you love—joining a sports league, learning a new instrument, or diving into a craft—something energetic shifts. It brings a form of erotic energy, the kind of spark that makes you feel alive in a way you haven't in a while. Note: We historically have reserved the term ‘erotic’ for the sexual realm, but I love how my friend and colleague, Esther Perel, has invited us to think more broadly about eroticism as aliveness.
This energy feels wonderful when you experience it yourself. But when your partner is the one experiencing it, it can suddenly feel like a threat.
Even though you rationally know your partner is excited about doing yoga, their enthusiasm is not dissimilar to that of someone swept up in NRE (New Relationship Energy).
And because you're not the source of that aliveness, it can feel threatening.
Moving from threat to opportunity
It’s wholly understandable for some protectiveness, insecurity, and/or jealousy to flare up when your partner finds deep joy outside of the relationship. But let me invite/challenge you to consider this: when your partner comes home from practice more energized, more confident, more themselves, that's a gift. For you. For the relationship. Consider that they're bringing more of themselves to you—a version that has expanded capacity because they have invested in something they love and feel good about.
The work here is to see what happens when you shift the story you are telling yourself.
Instead of "This is taking my partner away from me".
When the story sounds like this, you feel anxious and move into control mode (trying to manage how they spend their time) or shut-down mode (pulling away).
Try "My partner is so lit up by this new activity”.
When the story sounds like this, you feel calm and curious. From this more grounded and empowered place, you can advocate for yourself and the relationship by asking questions like, “How do we protect both our connection and their new passion?”
This means asking together, “How do we make sure we still get our quality time together while you dive into something that lights you up?”
Maybe they play golf early enough to be home for family time. Maybe it's one night a week instead of three. Maybe it's protecting one weeknight together no matter what. Maybe it's clarity about what quality time means to both of you. Maybe it’s making sure that you also have time and space to explore something that is catching your fancy!
The couples who stay on the same team, looking at the problem together, are the ones who avoid getting into a jealous love triangle—Partner A, Partner B, and the hobby.
The power of delighting in your partner’s delight
When you shift your perspective, you can practice compersion. Note: Compersion is a term that comes to us from the world of polyamory. It is vicarious joy—delighting in your partner’s delight. In this context, compersion looks like this: your partner says they're going to their pottery class, and instead of feeling a pinch of resentment, you say, "Okay!. I'll see you when you get back." No guilt. No squirreling around trying to minimize it. Just meeting the moment: the person you love is doing something that makes them feel alive.
If you’re struggling to envision experiencing compersion, consider watching them do what they love (like I did at Soldier Field!). When you can observe them in their element and feel genuinely happy about it, not because you want in, but because you love them, that’s compersion in action.
If you're the one with the new obsession, here are a few reminders for you. Practice patience with your partner’s emotional response to your new passion. View your partner’s reactivity as a reflection of some insecurity rather than a need for control. Keep a wedge of light between your hobby and your identity. Don't let it become your whole personality. Remember that your passion is there to support your life, not provide an escape from it.
Your practice this month
Notice the energy. When your partner talks about their summer thing, what do you feel? Threatened? Left behind? Jealous? Just notice. Name it without judgement. There's nothing wrong with feeling it.
Ask one genuine question to help you understand. "What is it about tennis that makes you feel so alive?" Listen to the answer without judgment.
Consider the positive spillover. Your partner is healthier, more confident, and more engaged because of this thing. That energy comes home to you. What might you be gaining that you're not noticing?
I invite you to notice the aliveness this new passion is bringing out in your partner and see if you can appreciate it, even if it's not your thing.
xo,
Dr. Alexandra
