The courage it takes to ask someone out for the first time is the exact same courage it takes to say "I miss you" to someone sleeping right beside you.
I know you've seen the headlines: dating is down, young people are opting out of the most basic relational rite of passage of asking someone out.
In my 25 years of teaching Marriage 101 at Northwestern University, I’ve watched this shift firsthand. But rather than critiquing Gen Z, I think those of us who are in long-term relationships have a lot to learn from them, both from what they’re getting right and what they’re struggling with.
What impresses me about Gen Z is their incredible emotional intelligence—some credit, of course, goes to the Gen X parents who raised them! Gen Z is less willing to tolerate disrespect. They're prioritizing their mental health, friendships, and their education. Many Gen Z’rs are in therapy and grew up in homes where emotional fluency was valued. They also know they have skill deficits—deficits that are not their fault but are their responsibility. We can all take a page from their book when it comes to having high standards and sophisticated vocabulary around healthy relationships.
But there’s a catch. Gen Z has come of age in a polarized political climate and a tech-filled world engineered to remove friction. Social media content often teaches performance instead of intimacy. Even mental health awareness can go too far—creating the risk of rushing to diagnose anyone and everyone and anxiety that freezes into paralysis. Older folks sometimes critique Gen Z as apathetic, but what I actually hear from my students is a fear of rejection or of getting it wrong. Retreating in the name of "I'm protecting my peace" can be an act of real self-awareness, AND it can also be avoidance dressed up in therapy language. The line between the two is thinner than we'd like to admit.
And honestly? That fear isn't unique to Gen Z.
Whether you're 22 and avoiding a first date or 42 and avoiding a hard conversation with your partner, the impulse is the same.
In long-term relationships, avoidance gets more subtle and easier to miss. It looks like changing the subject when something feels tender or like deciding it's not worth bringing up, again. It looks like two people who love each other deeply but have slowly stopped reaching for each other in the moments that matter most. You’re protecting yourself from the possibility that your partner may not respond in the way you need them to, and that fear of rejection can be paralyzing.
The same accountability my students show is available to those of us further down the road, if we're willing to hold up a mirror.
There's no shortcut for these skills. You just have to practice taking risks in the face of uncertainty… and meeting the outcome, whatever it is, with mega-doses of self-compassion and the pride that comes from being the person you want to be. Again and again.
Office Hours
From the Reimagining Love vault to recent conversations I’ve been having about relationships.
Reimagining Love: How to Bring Relational Self-Awareness to a First Date
In this episode, we explore practical tools and tips for approaching the excitement and uncertainty of a first date by helping you show up more intentionally, whether you're a seasoned dater or just starting out.
Why is dating on the decline among young adults? [The Today Show]
In this clip from The Today Show, I am joined by a few of my students to explore why Gen Z is dating far less than previous generations, discussing how reduced stigma around being single and a growing fear of rejection and emotional vulnerability are driving the decline.
8 Of The Most Passive-Aggressive Phrases You Are Probably Using With Your Significant Other [HuffPost Life]
In this HuffPost piece, Dr. Alexandra is featured with other relationship experts to break down the common passive-aggressive phrases (like "must be nice" or "I guess I can't do anything right") that quietly undermine couples, and offers more direct alternatives for saying what you actually mean.
A Few Things, Lately
A peek at what I’m noticing, learning about, and delighting in.
Xo,
Dr. Alexandra
