We’re about to enter the “most wonderful time of the year.” For many of us, this means a tricky season spent navigating difficult family dynamics and accommodating each other’s needs.
It’s the perfect environment for the over-apologizer in us to shine.
"I'm sorry my family is so difficult."
"I'm sorry that we need to leave your work party early. These back to back holiday parties are overwhelming me.”
In these moments, you are at risk of feeling like a burden to your partner, when really you just have your own unique needs and limitations.
This holiday season, I invite the over-apologizers to take up space and see your needs as invitations for connection.
When gratitude is eclipsed by guilt
I’m navigating quite a bit of complexity in my Family of Origin right now. In the midst of it, I have found myself apologizing a lot to Todd as he offers me a seemingly endless amount of emotional, tactical, and logistical support.
When I move into apology mode, my guilt and shame take center stage, and Todd's generous efforts get completely eclipsed. He doesn't get to experience the good feelings that come from supporting his partner, and I don't get to experience the healing feelings that come from knowing that I am worthy of being supported.
But we’ve been around this block enough to know how to find a different way. When I shift from, "I'm sorry you have to deal with this" to "Thank you for being patient with me," everything changes. I acknowledge his care instead of centering my shame. He gets to feel proud of being an attentive partner. I get to feel comforted by not having to carry hard things alone.
What a powerful shift! My needs are not a burden to our relationship. They create opportunities for us to show up for each other.
Why we apologize for simply existing
Many of us don’t even realize we do it. You say "I'm sorry" for things that aren't actually mistakes: having dietary needs at a restaurant, leaving a party early, needing your partner's support with difficult family members, asking to drive separately because of a health issue. You might look at these as wrongdoings but they are basic needs and/or limitations.
Over-apologizing often has roots in our Family of Origin. Many of us learned early that our needs were burdens. "Be seen and not heard." "Don't rock the boat." Maybe resources (time, money, attention) were scarce when you were young. You learned quickly that asking for anything created tension or disappointment, so you stopped asking. Maybe you even believed that you didn't need much or you prided yourself on being easy, mature, and helpful.
These adaptive patterns may have made sense in the family you grew up in, but the rules are different in our adult relationships, where having needs and asking for support are essential for building intimacy.
You're not a burden now just because you were made to feel like one then.
The shift that changes everything
"I'm sorry" frames you as a problem. "Thank you" frames their action as generosity.
Here's what this looks like during the upcoming holidays:
Instead of: "I'm sorry my mom is so difficult."
Try: "Thank you for being as patient as you are with my mom."
Instead of: "I'm sorry to ask, but can we drive separately? I’m too tired to stay out late.”
Try: "Thank you for being flexible. This way you get to stay late and enjoy yourself and I get to come home and rest my nervous system."
When you let your partner support you and thank them for it, they feel seen and validated. They experience what researchers call the "helper's high." Over time, this builds interdependence—a hallmark of healthy relationships.
Start slow and give yourself some support
This shift can feel awkward at first, especially if apologizing is second nature for you.
For one week I encourage you to notice every time you say "I'm sorry." Pause and ask: "Am I apologizing for a mistake, or for having a need?" If it's the latter, replace “I’m sorry” with "thank you." Notice how you feel inside. See if you can also notice how the dynamic shifts with that person.
If you’re having trouble shifting to thank you, try this: Put your hand on your heart and whisper, "I get to have this. I deserve this. I get to be cared for."
You might want to tell close people you're working on this. My daughter is an over-apologizer, and we started this thing where, when she apologizes unnecessarily, I tell her I'm throwing that apology in the bottom of Lake Michigan where all the needless apologies go. No matter where you live, your accountability partner is welcome to throw all of your needless apologies in Lake Michigan too! There’s plenty of room.
I suspect the holidays will bring plenty of opportunities for you to practice this. Difficult family members, competing schedules, your own limits bumping up against everyone else's expectations. You'll have moments where you want to apologize for all of it. The next time you catch yourself about to apologize for needing something, pause. This season, practice articulating gratitude instead. Let your partner feel good about showing up for you. Let yourself feel worthy of being cared for.
Here’s to throwing all of our needless apologies into Lake Michigan.
xo,
Dr. Alexandra
