January is the universal time for self-reflection and creating new patterns. There’s something about the New Year that buzzes with possibility. Fresh starts, clean slates, the sense that you can reshape anything if you're willing to be intentional about it.
We usually point that energy toward ourselves, but let’s turn that energy toward how you want your relationship to actually work, too.
Many long-term couples drift through years operating on autopilot, acting out old patterns they’ve absorbed from their own families and waiting for friction to reveal itself in mismatched expectations.
This new year, I invite you to ask yourself: What do we actually want this relationship to look like? And take the time to create your own set of rules.
What it looks like when couples make their own rules
You don’t have to follow the relationship patterns and rules that your grandparents did. In fact, you can’t. You are not living and loving at that time and in that context. In fact, a whole lot of us are working hard to break old inherited patterns we’ve absorbed.
You've read the books, listened to the podcasts, and taken notes from the couples you admire. Some of the lessons stuck. Some of it felt like wearing someone else's clothes. None of this is supposed to be a strict instruction manual. Everything you’re taking in serves as a springboard for you and your partner. Take an idea here. Explore an insight there. Design something that fits YOUR relationship.
I've worked with couples who created surprising agreements that work beautifully for them:
- One couple travels separately sometimes and feels grateful for that freedom
- Another couple sleeps in separate rooms but protects intimacy by showering together and watching a show every night
- A couple with adult kids reimagined their holiday planning: she orders, and he wraps; he shops, she cooks, and he cleans up
Many couples have made agreements around conflict. For example, whoever needs a break is responsible for rescheduling a time to reconvene.
Years ago, Todd and I designed our own agreement around task management. He moves quickly on to-dos; I need processing time (Ok, fine, I procrastinate). Our agreement: when he puts something in my court, I tell him exactly when I'll have it done. "I'll handle this by Friday." It’s a simple structure that creates huge relief for each of us.
None of these agreements came from a specific relationship manual. They came from two people deciding what would actually serve their partnership and having the conversation to make it real.
How to design your own relationship agreements
Intimate partnerships are already a series of agreements: your vows, your budgets, the way you divide responsibilities. Making these agreements explicit brings them into the light where you can shape them together.
This doesn't have to be a massive project. Start with one area where you'd like more clarity, and move through these steps at whatever pace feels right.
Step 1: Map what you want
Take 20 minutes this week to get clear on your own vision. Pick one area of your relationship: how you handle conflict, divide household tasks, make money decisions, create quality time together, or navigate independence and togetherness.
Journal on these questions:
- What do I actually want in this area?
- What would feel good to me?
- What matters most to me here?
You'll probably notice that you've been following some invisible rules and patterns absorbed from your family, culture, or past relationships. That's normal. Just notice them. They're useful data about what you've inherited versus what you actually want to create.
Step 2: Design one agreement
Pick the area that would give you the most relief if you had clarity around it. What would an agreement look like that honors your needs?
It could be:
- A weekly check-in ritual
- Guidelines for how you handle extended family requests like finances, travel, etc.
- How do you want to approach quality time vs. solo time
Step 3: Invite your partner in
Share what you've been thinking about: "I've been reflecting on how we handle [area]. I'd love to try [proposal]. What do you think? Is this something you’d be open to try? Is there anything you’d adjust? I want to find something that works for both of us. Can we talk about it?"
Make it easy and enjoyable. Talk over a good meal. Pour some wine. Get cozy by the fire. Have the conversation in your underwear if that's your style. If they're into it, great. If they need time, give them that space. You modeling this intentional approach is powerful on its own.
Step 4: Try it and adjust
Try your agreement for a few weeks, then check in. Is this working? What do we want to keep? What needs tweaking? Your relationship evolves, and your agreements should too– whether that's quarterly, twice a year, or annually. Remember, it’s your relationship, your rules.
The promise of designing your own agreements
When you create explicit agreements in your relationship, the guesswork disappears. The resentment that builds when expectations don't match fades. You're no longer operating under invisible rules that may or may not fit who you actually are.
Instead, you're building something intentional together that says: We are the stewards of this relationship. We get to decide how this works. We get to create a partnership that actually serves the people in it.
This January, use that energy of possibility to design one small agreement. See how it feels to build something custom rather than following someone else's blueprint.
Modern relationships require this kind of intentionality. We have to be intentional… and we get to be intentional! I’m inviting you to step into an opportunity to create something that actually fits your unique partnership– right here.
xo,
Dr. Alexandra
