“Not tonight, babe.”
The kids are sick again. Year end work deadlines are relentless. Holiday prep is piling up. Your mind is already racing through tomorrow's to-do list. Your partner reaches for you, and the words come automatically.
Each "not tonight" feels justified in the moment, and it is. You're legitimately tired and overwhelmed. You actually have a headache! Somewhere along the way, "not tonight" became the new normal. The fade happened so gradually you didn't even notice until suddenly it's been weeks. Or months.
This is not a sign your relationship is doomed. The slow fade happens to most long-term couples because sexual connection requires the same intentionality as every other aspect of partnership. But we’ve been conditioned to believe it’s spontaneous.
You know how it goes in the movies: Someone brushes past someone else in the hallway, their eyes lock, and suddenly shirts are flying, someone's being lifted onto a counter, and there's this urgent, I-need-you-right-now energy. Cut to both people breathless and having somehow achieved simultaneous satisfaction without a single awkward angle or logistics conversation.
That's the script we've all absorbed, right? That when it's time for sex, desire should just arrive, undeniably ready to go.
That expectation is exactly the problem. Most of us are waiting for a feeling that doesn't actually arrive first– it arrives after. Understanding the difference can be incredibly liberating.
The plot twist: Desire works backwards
For a long time, sex researchers believed that desire always came first– you needed to "feel like it" before you could engage sexually. Then another wave of researchers (lady researchers, thank goodness) said, "Hold up! There's something else." They named it responsive desire.
Here's what that means: for many people, you have to get started to get interested. You can enter a sexual space feeling neutral– not turned on, but not turned off either. Just present and emotionally willing and desire builds from there.
The better it feels to be in that sexual space with your partner, the more desire you have to continue. But you have to start from neutral and willing. Hot and bothered follows.
I remember one of my mentors, Dr. Cheryl Rampage, saying years ago, “If your partner wants to do it, and you can’t think of a really good reason not to do it… and you’re in a generally loving relationship… go ahead and get started. Your body will most likely catch up!”
What's working for you and what's working against you
Sexual desire is like driving a car. There’s a gas pedal and a brake pedal, and they both matter in getting you to where you want to go. When you feel a sexual disconnection, it’s usually because there’s something pressing on the brake that’s worth examining.
Your brakes might be: stress, performance anxiety, unresolved conflict, exhaustion, feeling touched out from caregiving, the mental load, hormonal changes.
Your accelerators might be: feeling desired, non-sexual touch throughout the day, emotional connection, having time when you're not exhausted, contexts that feel safe and playful.
You might not know what revs you up or what brings you to a screeching halt. I love Emily Nagoski’s worksheets. Examining your relationship to sexual intimacy can feel uncomfortable, but it’s worth it for you and your relationship to start.
Get to know your own desire
A few years ago I wrote an entire book about sex because it's complicated. There are deeper layers– depression, body image, past trauma– that may need professional support. But if you're experiencing a slow fade and wondering where to begin, start here:
Take time for sexual self-awareness. Journal on these questions:
- What is my "why" for wanting sexual connection?
- What motivates me beyond the hope of physical release?
- What type of experience am I seeking? If my partner is not in the mood, what are some other routes for me to feel that way with my partner?
- What do I want my partner to understand about my desire these days? Why do I want this understanding from my partner?
- What are my accelerators– the contexts (time of day, location), touches, or states of being that seem to open me to desire?
- What are my brakes– the things that seem to consistently and predictably shut down my openness to intimacy? (Think doomscrolling, cleaning up while your partner plays a video game, answering emails until the moment you climb into bed)
- If I'm not available for a full sexual experience, what might I be available for that would be embodied and pleasurable? (Think dancing, massage, a shower, snuggling, a make out session, some old skool heavy petting).
Give yourself permission to try something different
If you try some behavioral changes– scheduling time when you're not exhausted, starting with non-sexual touch, being curious– and nothing shifts at all, don’t view it as a failure. View it as data. The blocks might run deeper, and professional support could help. If you try some behavior change and you do feel a shift, what other changes can you lean into?
The slow fade isn't the beginning of the end but reversing it requires awareness, curiosity, and courage. It requires understanding that responsive desire is normal and that your brakes deserve your attention. And, maybe most importantly, it requires giving yourself permission to start from where you actually are– tired, overwhelmed, and maybe just a little bit hopeful.
xo,
Dr. Alexandra
