The relationship problems you can see aren’t usually the ones holding you back. When you are focused on managing the obvious relationship obstacles—the big decisions, the visible conflicts— it’s easy to miss the quiet dynamics at play beneath the surface. The ones that keep you stuck.
The mental load you're carrying while your partner sleeps. The childhood patterns shaping how you fight. The future version of yourself you keep putting on hold until everything is "fixed." Focusing on these hidden dynamics is more powerful than the surface-level differences we spend so much time trying to resolve. Because when you can name what's been invisible, you can stop blaming each other and start making intentional choices together.
This month on Reimagining Love, we're making the invisible visible. Exploring the unspoken expectations, default choices and hidden patterns that quietly grind us down while we are focusing on just getting through the day.
As you listen, use the related reflection questions to check in with yourself, and if you're up for it, bring them to your partner as a conversation starter. The goal isn't to "fix" anything—it's to create space for curiosity, understanding, and connection.
💗 From the Office of Dr. Alexandra
Unpacking your big relationship dynamics and questions
When Difference Becomes Connection: Navigating Interfaith Love
🎧 Listen to "Nobody Wants This: How to Love Across Potentially Dealbreaking Differences (Part 1) with My Husband, Todd"
Religious differences show up in the small moments first—the calendar, the holidays, the "what if we have kids" conversation—before you realize they're shaping the entire foundation of your relationship. In this deeply personal conversation, Todd and Dr. Alexandra share their interfaith journey—the early conversations that mattered, the family expectations they navigated, the decision to convert, and what it actually took to build a life that honored both of their stories.
Reflection: What messages did you receive growing up about who you "should" be with? If you're in a relationship that challenges those expectations—whether about faith, culture, or socioeconomic status—what has that required of you? What has it given you?
When Family Baggage Feels Heavier Than Faith
🎧 Listen to "Nobody Wants This: How to Love Across Potentially Dealbreaking Differences (Part 2) with My Husband, Todd"
You thought the interfaith thing was a doozy, nothing compares to the family baggage you bring to the table— the way you fight, the way you need reassurance, and the way you think about commitment. In part two of their conversation, Todd and Dr. Alexandra dug into how their Family of Origin differences created more friction than their religious differences ever did.
Reflection: When you're in conflict with your partner, what fear gets activated? Is it about being left, being controlled, or being taken for granted? How might the home you grew up in be shaping what you need now—and what would it mean to honor that instead of apologizing for it?
💓 In Conversation with Dr. Alexandra
Thought-provoking conversations with special guests
The Invisible Work That's Exhausting You
🎧 Listen to "Carrying the Mental Load: How Unequal Cognitive Labor Can Affect Your Relationship"
Summer camp deadlines, pediatrician appointments, permission slips, grocery lists—when did you become the person who holds everything in your head? Dr. Allison Daminger's groundbreaking research reveals what so many of us have felt but couldn't name: the thinking, planning, and worrying that happens before any chore gets done is its own form of labor. This conversation breaks down the four elements of cognitive labor and what balanced couples do differently.
Reflection: For 24 hours, notice every decision you make or think about regarding your household. Who initiates? Who researches? Who follows up? If you handed one responsibility fully to your partner—not just the doing, but the thinking and tracking—what would you do with the mental space you'd get back?
Stop Waiting to Feel Good About Your Life
🎧 Listen to "Visualizing Your Best Self: How To Get More Confidence, Clarity, & Connection with Mimi Bouchard"
You keep telling yourself: I'll feel confident once I lose the weight. I'll be happy when I get the promotion. I'll relax when things calm down. You're white-knuckling your way through your actual life, waiting for permission to feel alive. What if you didn't have to wait? In this conversation, Mimi Bouchard explores the power of embodying the energy of who you want to be before external circumstances line up.
Reflection: Complete this sentence five times: "I am the kind of person who..." What do your answers reveal about your current self-image? Now ask: who is your future self, and what's one way you could be that version of you today—not someday, but right now?
Real transformation happens in bringing attention to the invisible patterns that drive your big, obvious relationship obstacles. I hope these episodes give you permission to see what's been quietly simmering beneath the surface and to reimagine what's possible.
xo,
Dr. Alexandra
