Issue #12

Finding your own language for what turns you on

What do romance novels, audio erotica, and the internet's latest obsession– Heated Rivalry– all have in common?

Aside from the obvious 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ level, we are proudly sharing our love of these stories. We’re embracing words like smut without a hint of apology. Romantasy has become a wildly successful genre, and we’re joking with our friends about trips to The Cottage. IYKYK.

I’m here for all of it. While the horrors persist around us, these are great escapes. And I also think something bigger is at play here.

These stories give us everyday language for what desire can look like, what safety can feel like, and what it means to be pursued, seen, and wanted.

When you’ve lost touch with your own desire

In my therapy office, I see what happens when people lose touch with their own desire. The conversation becomes about frequency, performance, and not disappointing a partner. They rarely pause to ask: What feeling am I wanting to have?

This is especially true for what's called the responsive desire partner, someone who tends to remain fairly sexually neutral until intimacy begins. Research shows women are more likely to experience responsive desire (though it's certainly not always that way). For all kinds of reasons, the psychology and physiology of responsive desire can make it really hard to access what you want… which makes the advice to "just ask for what you want" quite difficult and deflating.

Before you can ask for what you want, you need to understand what you want.

Focus on the feeling

These spicy romance stories are giving us everyday language for things we didn't know how to name. Yes, sometimes it's a really hot scene, but more often, it’s the witty, flirty dialogue or the emotional buildup. It’s the way a character checks in mid-moment or the energy of a partner who's so present and anchored that you can feel the safety to let go.

You’re noticing how it feels when someone pursues you with intention and when you're not managing anyone else's feelings.

I find it especially powerful to read or listen to erotic scenes because they bypass the comparison trap and allow you to move past any constraints that might block you from enjoying them. You’re not pulled away from the moment by going down a rabbit hole about your body versus their body. Written words or audio only bypass that whole gnarly world of not-enoughness. You just get to experience the dynamic, the desire, the way people show up for each other.

(I explored this in a past Reimagining Love episode with Dipsea if you want to go deeper.)

Learn about what lights you up

For years, I’ve used this visualization exercise with my undergraduate students in my Marriage 101 class at Northwestern University, and I want to offer it to you.

Close your eyes. Imagine yourself in a really positive, intimate moment.

Travel into your own body. What are you thinking? What are you feeling emotionally? What sensations are you experiencing inside of your body? How are you relating to your partner(s)?

Next, travel into your partner's experience. Imagine being them in this experience with you. What are they thinking and feeling?

Finally, notice the space between you. What's the energetic quality?

Open your eyes and write down what you experienced. The scene you envisioned holds important data about what you are desiring.

Notice that this visualization isn't about specific acts (though, by all means, take note of that too!). It's about understanding the feeling you're craving, the experience you are seeking, and who you get to be in those moments.

This Valentine's season, I want to invite you to tend to a very important couple in your life, one that you might be neglecting. That couple? You and you. Far from selfish, deepening your connection to your erotic self (or what I call Your Sexy in my book Taking Sexy Back) is good for your relationship.

Explore content that awakens something in you.

My final invitation is for you to explore some steamy content (without apology or self-consciousness because remember romance is having a much-needed moment!). As you watch/read/listen, notice what resonates in the dynamics, the language, the energy between partners. What makes you go “Oh, this sounds nice.”

Some favorites from my fabulous team:

Dipsea and Quinn for audio stories: There is truly something for everyone on these apps.
Emily Henry fiction: My team commented on the witty dialogue and enjoyable step into spicy sex scenes
Can’t Get Enough (Kennedy Ryan, Skyland Series): A steamy and emotionally complex read, but a better listen! The audiobook features readers of all genders, and hearing the male character’s voice celebrating the female main character’s full, juicy body, elevates the whole experience
Emily in Paris: Lots of flirting and longing in a decadent and escapist setting!
Bridgerton: We are here for the show’s centering of women’s pleasure!