At some point, we were all sold the same romantic fantasy: Love should be easy.
Find the “right” person, and everything just clicks. And if it’s hard? Something must be wrong.
But that’s not how real relationships work. Love isn’t effortless. Even the best relationships require care.
While love isn’t easy, you can invite more ease.
Ease isn’t about avoiding conflict or always being understood. It’s about tending to the small, daily moments that build a cushion of positivity and remind you — we’re in this together.
But, when stress barges in from the outside, it’s so darned easy to lose sight of that.
We often think that we become upset because our partner has done something thoughtless or hurtful. And that is certainly sometimes the case. But I want to challenge you a bit. The arrow can also go in the other direction. Sometimes, our partner’s words or actions feel hurtful because we are emotionally dysregulated.
As somatic psychotherapist Deb Dana says: Our state determines our story.
When we’re overwhelmed, our nervous system sees threats everywhere. That’s why, in a moment of stress, a less-than-warm-but-generally-harmless comment from your partner can suddenly feel sharp. A delayed text response can feel like proof you’re being ignored.
And right now, when the world feels especially polarized and frightening, creating a softer kind of love isn’t just nice, it’s necessary for our overwrought nervous systems.
If stress is the main character in your conversations lately, here are three small, intentional ways to invite more ease into your relationship.
1. Name the good stuff
Before you can bring more ease into your relationship, you have to locate it.
Some Relational Self-Awareness questions to ask yourself:
- When do I feel most “at home” in my relationship?
- What are the smallest, everyday moments that bring me comfort?
- What’s one simple joy I want more of in our life together?
I like the idea of inviting your partner to reflect on these questions too. Then, share your answers with each other. Your answers might be different — and that’s expected. This is about getting curious and learning what softens each of you — then, making space for that. Think of it like creating a menu of things that bring each of you comfort and connection.
When your buckets are more full, you each show up as a better partner for each other.
2. Experiment with rituals (without expectation)
Rituals are anchors that tether us to each other when everything else feels unsteady. They don’t have to be elaborate — just small, deliberate reminders: Hey. We’re here. We’re good.
Some simple, meaningful ritual ideas:
- Five minutes in bed together in the morning before either of you checks your phone.
- A short walk at the end of the day to transition out of stress mode.
- Cooking together with music playing in the background.
My husband and I have been focused on food and atmosphere as small, delicious acts of care. Grilling shrimp even though it required wearing snow boots to the grill because it’s one of our favorite meals. Keeping a candle burning in the kitchen as we cook and clean up. Lighting the fireplace every evening as we wind down our day. These tiny rituals remind us: no matter how heavy things feel, we still get to have this.
And if you try something and it doesn’t stick? No big deal. Maybe that steamy bath together is more awkward than sexy. Allow yourself to laugh when things don’t go as planned and appreciate that an effort was made. The key is to experiment without expectation.
3. Invite more lightness in
The longer I’ve worked with couples, the more I see how much we underestimate the power of joy, play, and humor. We often think we need deep, serious conversations to reconnect, but sometimes what we need most is lightness. Ask your partner something unexpected:
- Who would play us in the rom-com based on our life?
- If we had an entire weekend with zero responsibilities, how would we spend it?
- What’s one memory of us that always makes you happy?
Practice creating a softer love
In a world that feels heavy, your relationship can be a soft place to land rather than another thing to manage.
Just start with one thing — one ritual, one unexpected question, one defiant act of slowing down and choosing each other.
Commit to building a love that offers warmth and steadiness. Something that, when everything else feels uncertain, reminds you — This is ours. We are in this together.
Xo,
Dr. Alexandra
